


i've always wanted to die clean and pretty

by toyhdgehog



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Gen, Minor Faith Lehane/Buffy Summers, introspective thing ig, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26829295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhdgehog/pseuds/toyhdgehog
Summary: but i'd be too busy on working days--title & description from 'last words of a shooting star' by mitski
Kudos: 2





	i've always wanted to die clean and pretty

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings:
> 
> graphic descriptions of violence  
> implied self harm  
> suicidal thoughts and tendencies

most nights you wonder how you got here.

you look at the beautiful girl sleeping next to you, and you see how peaceful she is, and you think about how  _ easy  _ it would be to wrap your callused hands around her throat and hold them there until she stopped twitching.

there was a time in your life when you would’ve acted on it. but today, instead, you back away from the bed, remembering how your knife felt jammed haphazardly into your intestines and then slid over and pulled back out.

you remember that if you hadn’t been a slayer, if you hadn’t been burdened with the task of being the one girl in the world who has to be good and right, you would’ve died that night. you would’ve bled out and buffy would've left without a second thought.

but instead you’re here, in your room, trying so hard not to grab the scissors next to you, but  _ god, _ they’re so sharp, and you look back down at buffy and you wonder if she’s plotting against you again, no, you  _ know _ she is, and-

you don’t know when you got so close to the edge of the balcony. but your hands are positioned so you could quickly leap off, and the fall would crack your neck and the slayer healing wouldn’t save you this time.

you remember something dawn said to you- something buffy had said to her. “the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.” you know it’s true. better than most. but, then again, you’ve always been the type to take the easy way out. to be the coward, while buffy runs around and saves the world, and you’re laying in a hospital bed for eight months until she forgets about you and runs off with the first hunk of meat that looks at her as soon as angel goes away.

and then you think about  _ angel _ , and how warm and safe it was in his arms, and you miss him, but you want to hate him for how he took buffy away from you and how he let them take you away, and how he let you get out of that prison instead of letting you rot like you deserved to.

there are arms wrapped around your waist, and soon you’re back in bed, and you think that buffy’s crying, or talking to you, but you block it out because your brain is too loud and it’s screaming for you to leave and for you to die.

but for now, you’re going to fall asleep, and the night will be a blur in your head.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this is short and bad i'm sorry lol


End file.
